MY EXPERIENCE BEING PREGNANTThis blog was written at different parts in my pregnancy as well as post-birth! So you’ll read this in different perspectives at different moments during my pregnancy. FINDING OUT I WAS PREGNANT.Being pregnant personally makes me feel like a completely different person. It's like the moment I found out I was pregnant, I changed completely. I became more aware of my body, more protective, and overall, more anxious. It suddenly dawned on me that I have a huge responsibility that would not start nine months from then but it would start from that moment on. Even though, at first, the baby is smaller than the point of a pen, the pressure I felt on my shoulders was as big as the universe. I knew that a little being was beginning to grow inside of me. A being that would depend on me, and only me, for support throughout their journey to make it into this world. A being that would need me to nourish him or her with nutrients and protection. I realized I could no longer treat my body as if it's only my own. The decisions I would make from that point forward not only would affect me, but the being inside of me who relies on me to be their nourishing home. All of that and more flooded my mind the night I found out I was pregnant. Speaking of that night, it was the most amazing night of my life. As we all know, babies don't always come easy. They may come instantly for some and months or years later for others. When we flipped that pregnancy test over to reveal what we expected to be a lonely line, my heart sunk into my stomach and tears filled my eyes. It was then, in that moment, I knew I changed for the rest of my life. MY EXPERIENCE BEING PREGNANT.Being pregnant is everything I imagined it to be and more. I suddenly felt more connected to my body. I would pay attention to every feeling I would get or any symptom I would have. At first, when we found out, I only felt happiness! Then, the next day came and anxiety started to take over. I felt so anxious about everything - If it was safe for me to do things, eat certain foods, move certain ways... The list goes on! My mind wondered about everything you can think of! I would Google search everything that came to my mind and every little twinge that I would feel (which I now regret). I was filled with anxiety the first twelve weeks of my pregnancy just because I know that the miscarriage rate drops dramatically after three months of pregnancy (less than 1% chance, source). So with every weird cramp, I was thinking the absolute worst. I was SO paranoid! And you might wonder why I would be paranoid to begin with... Without me getting too personal, I will let you figure out why on your own. With that being said, each day after I found out I was pregnant was a worry. I so badly wanted to reach the that twelve week mark. Only then I thought the worrying would go away... But it didn't. MY FIRST TRIMESTER.My first trimester was the worst of all - for many reasons. One, I was extremely anxious and paranoid the entire time, as I mentioned. Every time I would go to the bathroom, I would be worried to see something that would shatter my world. Two, the morning sickness got me good for a lovely month straight. Three, it passed by so slowly when all I wanted was to be three months pregnant. Four, I was getting adjusted to not eating the things I wanted and to not drinking caffeine. And five, I was so tired all the time! It sucked. I couldn't even be active! I literally couldn't even get myself to go out for a walk the entire first trimester. I felt guilty and was a hot mess honestly... And as weird as this sounds, I was so thankful we were sent home for e-learning at the time due to Covid. I found out I was pregnant a month into working from home! So that truly helped me be in my comfort zone - especially the weeks I was too nauseous to do anything. MY SECOND TRIMESTER.My second trimester was like a breath of fresh air! I felt so good - my energy came back full force! I was going for walks everyday, getting things done around the house, and being so productive. A lot of my anxiety had gone away along with my paranoia! I didn't have that many symptoms - at least nothing too dramatic. I just felt really good overall! Until I had a couple scares with spotting... I would immediately freak out and have so much anxiety! And it put me right back into how I felt the first trimester... I found out that both times I had infections that can actually cause spotting, so that was the reason for them... So, I had to be on medication to clear the infections. But nothing makes you feel worse or more worried than seeing blood when you are not supposed to! It terrified me every single time. And no matter what anyone tells me, I will always be paranoid if it's just the tiniest dot! So when that happened, I was back to being anxious and paranoid, even though I knew it was from an infection. I couldn't help it! And that's what makes it worse. When you can't help but feel that way. MY THIRD TRIMESTER.Going into the third trimester, I felt a lot more positive than I was before. I felt like I was still energized and unstoppable! I felt much better about pregnancy - I was happy, excited, and just feeling so empowered for making it so far. Everything was beginning to feel more real! I was getting bigger by the day and reading how big the baby is and how she's growing was so magical to me... When I hit around week 30 is when exhaustion slapped me right in the face. I noticed myself getting more and more tired... I realized my body was getting more achey and that it was getting a lot harder to move. I felt like I was being held back so much and I couldn't do anything about it - it's such a weird feeling! I never felt like this before in my life (obviously), but you know what I mean! Not being able to control my body and how it feels is insane to me. I always used to feel so energized and quick to move, etc. All this extra weight is so hard to deal with! As I'm writing this, I'm in week 34 of my pregnancy and the amount of time it takes me to get out of bed is literally mind blowing! The worst part of my day is having to get up and out of bed. My lower back, ass, and pelvis is so stiff and in the worst pain the first 20 minutes after I get out of bed. I feel like my pelvic bone breaks every time I lift myself up from bed! It's getting so so hard and I can't believe I have six more weeks to go! On top of all this, I had a couple "scares" in the last few weeks. One, I began noticing the baby hiccuping several times a day (it feels like a rhythmic pulse in your belly). At first, I thought it was all cute and adorable! Then, I decided to Google search it (worst choice of my life) and what do you know, I found horrible answers that left me feeling crazy! I was so nervous, paranoid, anxious, and worried ALL OVER AGAIN! It felt like I couldn't catch a break! I literally was so paranoid that I went to the doctor's office and demanded an ultrasound to make sure everything was okay and thankfully, everything was fine. I had several doctors and nurses reassure me that fetal hiccups are completely normal and some women experience them more than others... It helps the baby prepare to breathe when they enter this world and it helps their lungs. My OB told me, "There's absolutely nothing you could tell me about fetal hiccups that will make me worry." It doesn't matter if its several times a day or within 20 minutes of each other... It's completely normal! She even told me that the "studies" I read were never supported, so that made me feel a lot better. This experience taught me never to Google anything ever again... Oh, and on top of that, about a week later, I caught some spotting again. Same anxiety and paranoia... All because another infection. Apparently infections are quite common during pregnancy and some pregnant women may get them more than others... But either way, before I find out that it's an actual infection causing it (which takes days), I live with anxiety until I know for sure, which is the worst feeling! But thankfully, that has been cleared. I now have 6 weeks left and just want to reach the damn finish line already! OVERALL, DO I ENJOY BEING PREGNANT?This is a hard question to answer. I do but then I don't, really. The two reasons I like being pregnant is because God has given me the blessing to be capable of conceiving, carrying, and having a baby... And because I get to feel such a precious blessing in my belly! That's the best part of it all... Feeling that bundle of joy wiggle around, swim, and dance! And sure, the massages, special treatment, and endless favors are a huge bonus. But as I'm nearing the end of my pregnancy... I'm really starting to not enjoy pregnancy as a whole. I just think all the anxiety and worries gave me so much stress during my pregnancy to the point I felt like I couldn't enjoy it... Even though I wanted to enjoy it so bad... I just couldn't to my fullest, which sucked. I feel that being pregnant will always be hard for me because of my anxiety and experiences. I pray that it won't be that way in the future... But I do know that all of what I experienced this pregnancy really made me feel like I can't wait for this scary journey to be over with for the sake of my mind and mental health. And also because my body is in a lot of pain and I want to meet baby girl already! Alhamdulillah for everything - I love being pregnant for being capable. But I hate all the stress, anxiety, and worries that come along with it. It's way too overwhelming for me. But I know that in the end, it will be so worth it each and every time, inshAllah. F A S T F O R W A R D NOW THAT I’VE HAD MY BABY... |
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